ohmigawsh no kidding did i really do that what the fudge

it was my first  time to meet up with blogger friends and their blogger acquaintances/friends last Monday. i was pretty excited about it, but about 2 hours before the set time, i fell asleep. so suffice to know, i was late for the meet.

as soon as i woke up though, i showered faster than you can say ‘wakey wakey eggs and bacey’. when i checked my closet for what outfit to wear, alas, i remembered i had just taken all my dirty clothes to the laundry shop early that morning. and because i’m a bit on the lazy side when it comes to sorting my laundry, i let about 3 weeks worth of clothes pile up on my hamper. all i had left to wear were business casual clothes and some LBDs. what i chose to wear was totally inappropriate for bar-hopping. so suffice to know, i was overdressed.

i got to the meeting place an hour late, but not everyone was there yet. i met wonderful people, some funny, some a bit on the serious side, some rather candid when opining (which i found refreshing btw), and some just the regular lot. the entire time we were there though, i just wanted to eat. i hadn’t had dinner yet, i didn’t even have coffee which i always have as soon as i wake up. because i was in such a hurry to get to the meet, i hadn’t taken anything. not even water. so suffice to know, i was famished.

i didn’t want to order dinner at the place they chose, because i wanted persian kebabs for dinner. when i crave for something, i’d rather not have anything at all if it meant having to eat what i want in a few hours. so all i had during the meet was a pitcher of lemon margarita, a pitcher of cosmopolitan and a few nibbles of crispy pata. i think i had a pitcher too many. so suffice to know, i got smashed. hard.

and by the time the group was ready for dinner at my favorite persian kebab place, i couldn’t think, talk or walk straight. i fell asleep while waiting for my short order. when the food came, i took out money to pay for my share of the bill, and upped and hailed a cab. i didn’t even eat my dinner. i was home in 10 minutes, and fell asleep on the couch still wearing my shoes and jacket and still clutching my purse. so suffice to know, the group must have thought i was some weirdo or psycho or something.

nearly everything went wrong for me that night, and if i could have a go on the same day again i definitely would. like that movie groundhog day, where you re-live the same day over and over until you get that day right. in my ideal world i’d be able to do that. but i don’t live in my ideal world now do i?  so suffice to know, i’m still racking my brains out over this unfortunate event.

but i’m still amused by what happened. i’m glad i finally met these people whose blogs i’ve been following for more than a year now. i’m relieved that i instantly felt a connection to these people and didn’t have to stumble to look for common ground with any of them. so suffice to know, it was still one helluva night.

happy with a pinch of sad

this morning, i had my Visa renewal interview at the US Embassy. i was scheduled at 7.30am but had to be there an hour early for checks, finger scanning and verification.

the first thing that struck me while sitting with other applicants, waiting for our number to flash, was that everyone had a nervous air in them. some kept tapping their fingers, some went to the bathroom a couple of times (i’m part of this demographic), some nervously flicked their feet over and over again. however, these physical manifestations of nervousness paled in comparison to the 3 people sitting behind me. of course when you’re sitting near dozens of complete strangers in a contained, small space, you’re bound to hear every conversation. these 3 conyos sitting behind me were bragging about why they’re applying for US Visas. one’s never been out of the country, but for her first time out of Pinas she wants to tour the US. and that she has absofrigginlutely no plans of looking for work in the states. the other girl said she also wants to tour the US, but added that she has a great life here in Pinas. High-paying job, has her own driver, what more can she ask for right? the 3rd conyo, the only guy, was rather quiet and didn’t give much input. which was good since there was enough steam coming off the 2 conyotic girls. i think they were just trying to psych themselves for the interview. a lot like, before a tennis match you have to keep telling yourself you’ll win, the other player sucks bigtime. you have to keep boosting your confidence. these 3 conyos, i think, tried to boost theirs by verbally reminding themselves why they’re gonna get Visas. Unfortunately though, the first girl didn’t get one, and  i’m not sure if the guy got one coz i was interviewed before him.

the second thing that struck me during my wait was that, damn, a lot of Filipinos do want to go to the States! The interviews started at 7.45am, and by the time i was interviewed at 8.30am 38 people had already finished. I think on average, about 500 applicants are interviewed every working day. 500 people lining up for finger scans, waiting for their turn on the hot seat (or stand, since during the interview the applicant just stands on the other side of the consul’s glass window). 500 people, every day. that’s just sad.

but what really struck me during the 2.5 hours i spent there was the hopelessness and sadness after an applicant is denied a Visa. They leave with downcast eyes, clutching a bright blue paper the consul gave them to remind them that they can re-apply after 6 months. i felt sad for them, not just because i normally feel sad when other people are sad. but what if they have family in the states who they haven’t seen for decades? what if they really just want to travel and see what America’s all about? i know it’s not the end of the world for any applicant denied a Visa, but it sure makes their world a tad smaller.

during my interview, the consul didn’t look at any of my documents, just my passport. he asked a couple of questions about my family in the states, and about my job. after about 7 minutes, he told me my Visa’s approved, and that i needed to go to Air21 outside the building to pay for my passport’s delivery.

so now i can start planning my February trip. i’ll finally see my new niece. go on a cross-country road trip from west to east coast with a good friend. catch up with long-lost friends and batchmates i didn’t get to meet up with 2 years ago when i last went there. i’ll finally be able to hunt down and eat some of the food those TLC traveling chefs highly recommend, go to places i’ve always wanted to see like central park and grand central, and just bask in the experience of traveling with no worries. i’m ecstatic that i have the opportunity to plan for this trip, but i still can’t help but feel sad for those who early this morning left the embassy with bright blue sheets.

i hope they all get their Visas in 6 months..

i’m bringing sexy back

because 2 of my 5 blogger friends posted their pics on their latest articles, i’m doing the same thing. yes, i only have 5 blogger friends. and no, imitation is not the best form of flattery. it’s what you buy at divi and greenhills.

so anyway, where was i? wait, i haven’t started my post yet. ok.

you know how it feels like when you’re unsure of what you’re doing in life? that feeling of uncertainty over everything. your family, your work, your friends, everything man. nothing feels familiar anymore, or nothing feels familiar PERIOD. it got to the point where no sooner had i decided to take a bath than i start questioning why i even have to take a bath in the first place. all the logic behind hygiene and aesthetics are tossed aside, and the logic behind inner beauty and conserving water by taking a bath every other day take full swing. and all these leave me undecided. i sit at the dining area sipping my tea, clutching my bath towel, looking more haggard than Hagrid and i still can’t decide if i should take a bath or  not.

it went on like that for about 2 weeks this month. i was a floater. i was on auto-pilot against my will. i unwillingly took my baths, i resentfully sent my reports, i smiled when what i really wanted to do was stick my tongue out and blow raspberries at everyone.

i was experiencing a phenomenon common to anyone who has to work for a living: BURN OUT.

and just when i thought i was on the brink of  insanity, i receive good tidings from upper management. the corporate directors and execs handling my account decided that training supervisors were not needed for the account anymore, and with the snap of a finger i was made redundant. in layman’s term, i was laid off.

why is that good news to me? 3 reasons. first: mucho dinero. my severance package is enough to finance my 2-year sabbatical. nuff said. second: hello?! burn out! i needed time off, and it was either this or me losing it sooner or later. third: i was making a good exit from the company. not exactly the exit i imagined for myself, but at least my record’s clean, i don’t leave with a heavy heart, and everyone’s red with envy coz of the compensation i’m getting for being laid off. i had no idea so many of my officemates were burned out as well.

so now what’s my plan? I’M BRINGING SEXY BACK BABY YEAH! hangin’ out with different sets of friends almost every night, looking up google maps coz i’m also planning on a backpacking expedition around the Philippines, jogging everyday to stay fit, and hitting Facebook like crazy. it’s amazing how some changes can make your overall outlook in life do a 180° turn. now, all i see are possibilities, not boundaries. i see new experiences, not the inconvenience of having a budget. i now see fuchsia pink and neon green where i used to see dull grays and browns. it’s amazing!

so get your gears ready ladies and gents. smasherjane’s loose and ready to go vamoose! Yee-Haw!

dear universe, can i please pee my weight off?

weight issues are nothing new to any female who’s reached her late 20s. i’m not really sure if it’s the same for men, but they don’t make as much fuss about it as women do.

lately, i’ve been more and more alarmed by my erratic weight loss/gain. one week i feel like this sexy hot bitch walking down the catwalk when i’m really just walking to the photocopy area to fetch my printed reports. the next week i feel like my ass, arms, legs and tummy jiggle with the slightest movement. this weekly sexy/tubby transition has put me in a slump the last few weeks, mainly because i haven’t really made any major changes in anything. i eat the same food, sleep as much as i did before, exercise just as much as i used to, and yet my body’s reacting differently.

now i haven’t gone through the full gamut of weight loss regimens. so far the only one i’ve tried is the starvation diet, and this one i didn’t even willingly try. this was when i had absolutely no appetite whatsoever from depression over a breakup. that’s understandable, right? i’m not the type to stuff my face with anything and everything i can get my hands on when i’m depressed. i’m more the i’m-not hungry-leave-me-alone-mom-i’ll-have-some-water-thank-you type. it was about 2 months of feeding my body on water, a fruit or two each day. let me remind you that this wasn’t a deliberate diet, and when i got over my depression i was back to my normal bod.

why am i so worried about this erratic weight gain when it’s so common among women my age? simple. i don’t want to lose me mojo. i’ll be damned if that day should come.

by mojo, i mean that drive to look my darn sexiest  every single effing day just so i could make heads turn and be satisfied knowing they want what i got but they can’t get any. it’s the confidence i feel when i walk into a meeting room to deliver my reports in front of a troop of managers and not feeling coy at all because i know what to say and i look the part as well. having a positive body image helps, and if that body image is a healthy one, then all the better.

which is why i need to take control over this erratic weight shift that my body’s taken a liking for. which is why the other day while i was taking a shower, i suddenly wished to the universe to just let all my excess weight come off while i scrub with my just-bought loofah, or if i could soak in a hot tub and let all the excess fat melt away, or if i could just pee my weight off. wouldn’t that be grand?

oh well, i guess i’ll just have to accept how my body’s wired. i need to get depressed again teehee.

the only love i’m getting…

… is in this glass of coke. thanks ikea for the ice cube trays in heart/star/shell shapes.

on a lighter note, i’ve added some pics of my new apartment on this post. i’m still pretty psyched about my moving in with friends. the first week was hell for me though, my insomnia kicked in full blast and i couldn’t sleep in my room. i could sleep fine at the couch, but not in my bed. wtf right? so i just slept at work hehe. i guess i was still nesting at the time. these days though, i just take a cold bath, turn on the air conditioning, down my milk/melatonin and i’m off.

the sofa. we have yet to buy a coffee table, which i’m pretty sure will pull the room together. and maybe a carpet and more pillows.

the kitchen. where all MY action happens. i hate seeing a dirty, messy kitchen. back at my parent’s home we were brought up to always keep the kitchen clean, and to this day i hate seeing dirty dishes or food lying around.

the dining area. doubles as the lappy area.

my bed, where absolutely no action happens. during my first week of moving in, i couldn’t get a single second of sleep on this bed. i’d just bought it a few days before my move, and we weren’t close pals yet. it took me about 2 weeks before i finally got in good vibes with him and had 10 hours of blissful sleep.

dream catcher on my bed’s headboard. i bought it at palawan during my 4-day vacation there with a friend 2 months ago. i remember when i bought it, i wished it would take away all bad dreams of ex’s, and just give me some nice sexy dreams. so far, i can honestly say that my wish was granted 🙂

my vision board. if you watched the secret, you know what this is. if not, then, go figure.

my unreliable alarm clock. goes off at odd hours, never on the set time. so far i haven’t been late for work coz i always set my celfone alarm as well, but i’d be damned if my waking up solely depended on this scrap metal. it just looks too darned cute with those bells for ears and those short feet.

my madhatter tv. the hat is from one of my trainers after his pahiyas festival visit. i honestly wouldn’t be caught dead wearing anything this.. corny. but you have to admit, it would make a nice lampshade yes? i’d though about it, but fez said it’s a fire hazzard. oh well..

there you have it folks, my apartment in a nutshell. soon i’ll be posting pics ala-girls gone wild, just not sure when that’s gonna be. stay tuned..

ode to spanky

artist rendition of author contemplating moving out

after much deliberation, hesitation and indigestion, i’ve finally decided to move out of my apartment. i’ve spent the last 4 years of my life rocking and rolling around that place, and by end of month it’ll be empty and just another memory to me. i’m moving in with a couple of friends to a 3-bedroom apartment unit along shaw. the rent’s a whopping 23k to be divided among us, but what the heck. first time i saw the place, luuuuv at first sight. i knew i was meant to live there.

i’ll miss spanky for sure. spanky’s my apartment btw. i named him that about 3 years ago, when after a full day of scrubbing, fixing and redecorating it looked spanking new. don’t get me wrong, it wasn’t a pig sty before i settled in. i was actually the first tenant, i got first dibs. but my first year with my current company was the worst year of my life. money spent left and right on things i needed for my place, my family giving me the stink eye everytime i was home for the weekends because they didn’t want me to move out, a horrible breakup with a cyclops, and back-to-back training classes. so anyway, since my last spanking makeover about 3 years ago my place has always been kept clean and organized. which is how it should be considering it’s no big space. the last major overhaul i did on spanks was after ondoy, when i had to buy new everything. that was september 2009.

and now i’m feeling a bit melancholy. i’m giving up my quiet, quaint place and moving in with 2 loud, obnoxious friends who can’t clean, cook or shut up. sometimes i think this is me being at my most masochistic, and that i might regret moving in with fez and loo in the long run. but a change would do me much good at this point. sure it’s more expensive, sure i’ll lose some privacy, and i’ll definitely have to make major adjustments of my tolerance on spoiled brats and an only child. but i’m at that point in my life where i’d accept any change as a good thing. i freely welcome any diversion thrown my way, even if it entails having to completely change my living space.

so let’s all raise our glasses to spanky. you saw me through think and thin, through good and bad times, heck, even through hell and high water. you helped make me a more responsible, organized, and most importantly a more mature person by giving me the peace and quiet i needed during times of turmiol. you will always be the hallmark of my emancipation from my parents.

to spanky. you’ll surely be missed. KAMPAY!

a learning experience, kind of like a field trip minus the bus ride and the fun

let me get this out in the open. my boyfriend of 3 years left me for another girl. did it hurt? hell yeah. did i try to win him back? HELL NO! does it still hurt? well, if by hurt you mean i still cry and bicker over our unfortunate ending, then no. but if by hurt you mean i still feel pangs of regret and miss him every now and then, then yes.

actually, the first sentence on the first paragraph is not altogether true. i broke up with him coz i’d been noticing some changes in him that i didn’t like, changes that suggested he was interested in someone else. it was only a month after we’d broken up did i find out that he already hooked up with someone, and the girl was the same girl i’d been having suspicions over. so it turns out my suspicions and doubts were true after all.

it’s been almost 2 months now since the breakup, and please note the italicization of the term. these days i always refer to it as such, with emphasis and a bit of innuendo, because the whole experience was just so funny, hurtful, scary, boring, and intellectual all at the same time. you might be wondering how it was all these when usually breakups are just messy and hurtful.. well my dear readers, i’ll tell you why oh why..

funny – he left me for a girl who has 2 kids already. she’s a professional flirt, i’ll give her that. she has hermione’s hair, the white queen’s complexion, and looks like she needs a jaw retainer. i actually thought of roger ebert when i last saw her, coz he lost his jaw to cancer. but in her case, it’s congenital. how funny is that.

hurtful – duh. do i really have to explain this? of course it hurts when someone you love doesn’t want to be with you anymore. it hurts even more when they prefer to be with with a 4-eyed, jaw-lacking, anaemic shit for brains mom.

scary – 2 things got me scared: that i might not meet another guy anymore, and that majority of the fault might’ve been mine. after much thinking and deliberation, i overcame these fears. there are plenty of salmon in the sea, and so long as i’m willing to venture away from my prefered bangus, i’ll be fine. and my ex and i both had our faults in our past relationship. i won’t go into the gory details.

boring – has this ever happened to anyone? getting bored from crying too much and wallowing in self-pity? well, it happened to me last month. there came a point where i told myself i’ve become this boring version of my old self, and i forced myself to do something productive. i read john macnab, enjoyed it, then moved on to killing time in a warm place. now i’m reading skinny legs and all, and although i may still seem boring to hapless dimwits, i don’t find myself boring anymore. i now spend my time catching up on my reading, and that to me is productive.

intellectual – through the wacky conversations i had with myself in my head. i kept imagining myself being 2 different persons, conversing and going through what happened blow-by-blow (oooh, sounds kinky?). anyhoo, what usually works for me is this kind of visualization. arguing with myself in this way makes me realize, i’m not just psycho, i’m a rational psycho.

there you have it. my most memorable breakup to date. my heart got plucked out, chewed and spat by a guy i seriously considered marrying. but i came out a better person from what happened. i really am. so, THANK YOU FUCKERS! 🙂

all that’s left to do

i want to turn back time.

i’d go back to when i wouldn’t let you in my apartment coz i’ve had it up to here with you. you were shouting outside, begging me to let you in. i was shouting profanities from in. you kept explaining yourself and how i was being irrational. i stuck to my decision and kept you out. if i could turn back time, i’d open the door and let you in.

i want to turn back time.

i’d go back to the day i hurt you the most: the day i said i didn’t love you. God knows how much i really do, but i was born with an overabundance of pride. i can never be the first to say sorry, and never the type to take back what’s been said. but if only i could turn back time, instead of telling you i don’t love you, i’d paint the town with these words.i’d write you the sweetest letters. i’ll whisper these three words in your ears every chance i get. i’d do all the cheesiest things and more, just so you know how much i really do love you.

i want to turn back time.

i’d go back to when we spent a day away from the city. you made that weekend wonderful by being the perfect gentleman. you let me have my way in just about everything, and you never once complained. it was a tiring weekend with long drives, little sleep and money spent left and right. but because it was my birthday, you did your best to make it as special as it could be. if i could turn back time, i’d do the same for you.

if only closing my eyes and praying hard would make time go back.

jane version 2.0

i ended 2009 by sleeping at my parent’s house’s living room’s couch. i fell asleep while watching tv, this was around 11.30pm, New Year’s Eve. I woke up 9am the next day, and everyone else was still asleep. they had welcomed 2010 with fireworks and barbecue. i welcomed the year snoring.

but so far, it has been an ok turnout for me. i honestly didn’t expect that i would be this determined to improve myself until i woke up that New Year’s morning and realized, now’s the best time for change. and so change is what i did. and what i’m still trying to do.

first off, smoking. i am a proud quitter. i lit my last stick on New Year’s Eve, around 11pm, right before i fell asleep. it was bittersweet, knowing it was probably gonna be the last cig to be kissed by these lips. but heck, my health is by far more important to me. besides, it was all pro’s quitting, and all cons not quitting. so i chose the former. so now, it’s been 20 days since my last stick. it’s not much of a struggle when you keep your mind on the pro’s.

next is my uber short haircut. i got tired of always having the same boring look every single day, the work required to maintain my long mane, the money spent on all the products i use on my hair, not to mention the weekly visits to the salon for my regular hot oil treatments. i didn’t cut my hair to surprise people or be the center of attention. if anything, i didn’t want anyone to notice, although this was a long shot of course. i did it simply because my hair will grow back, plain and simple. life’s too short to always stick to what’s more appealing or prettier or more acceptable for a woman. i say, experiment. try new stuff. you can never have an opinion about something unless you’ve tried it out/experienced it yourself. so now, i can honestly say my opinion of short hair is… IT SUCKS BIGTIME. haha.

i’ve also decided to go vegetarian by february. why not now you ask? well, simply because i wasn’t raised a vegetarian. i grew up eating burgers and bacon and porkchops and fried chicken and all the wonderful mouth-watering food that come from farm animals. i need to spend time with all the food i’m not gonna have anymore. this is why for the last couple of weeks, i’ve been hitting the best restos, cafes, grills and what have you’s for the best steak, teriyaki chicken, all-meat pizza and burgers i could get my hands and mouth on. your next questions might be: why the hell would you want to go vegetarian? yet again, the answer is simple. health reasons. as people grow older, their metabolism slows down, making it easier for them to gain weight (and subsequently harder for them to shed off the pounds). and it’s no big secret that i’m 32 years old now, so that sort off puts me in the ‘getting old’ category. my choice to go vegetarian has to do with my need to be in control. i want to be able to control my metabolism in some way, and if this entails eating healthier, then healthy eating it is. although eating meat, chicken and fish in moderation can still be part of a healthy diet, i decided to do away with these food groups altogether. but for now, i have 11 days left to eat all the glorious food i won’t be able to eat by february. let the fiesta continue.

my last and probably most daring resolution is to not buy a single item of clothing within the year. my purpose here is to rework my wardrobe and think of creative ways to alter or modify some of the clothes i don’t use. i’m not saying i have a huge wardrobe, but if i were to let my dirty clothes be, i’d still have enough clothes to last me 3 months. and half of these clothes i don’t use because they’re either a size small or big, outdated, wrong-fitting or bought out of compulsion (something i usually do when there’s a sale). and because i’m trying to save enough money for my big 2011 radical sabbatical,  not spending a cent on new clothes will def boost my funds, not to mention my creativity.

so there you have it. smasherjane version 2.0. call me cheapskates, but i’m sticking to these changes come hell or high water. wait, i don’t like the high water part, reminds me of ondoy. let me rephrase that: i’m sticking to these changes by hook or by crook. although if another flood happens, then i may have to buy new clothes, and i may pick up smoking again. damn floods..

adorable, as always

not me, but athena. i’m still my same old whiney self.

some updates:
1. i am still alive and well, despite the anxiety attacks that’ve doubled over the last few weeks
2. i heart c2 green tea. not the flavored ones, but the green tea in the green bottle. and this is probably my most important update. so important that it’s #2 on my list.
3. my toenails scream pedicure.
4. another sad end of year is coming, as my brother’s moving to the states for good.
5. athena turned 2 last week, and i’m turning 32 next month. boo-friggity-hoo.
6. i’m currently on the lookout for another job, as my current employer’s got the runs and is lashing out it’s frustration on unassuming, hard-working employees by offering stingy pay increases. a 3k pay increase is not an increase but a pittance. so please, keep your 3k and i’ll keep my dignity. give me a better offer and i might stay.
7. did i mention i’m looking for another job? any training manager positions open? let me know..

ah life, so fucked up yet i keep coming back for more…